I had a bit of a wobble this last week but I didn't write because it made my recovery 'messy' (for want of a better word). My perfectionism didn't allow for this blip. I want to recover but, as with everything else, I want to do it perfectly. Mainly because I want to show other sufferers that it is possible but also because I am in a desperate hurry to 'catch up' with my peers from treatment who have substantial clean time and are living life. Of course, the reality is that recovery is never a straight line on a graph, but rather a zig-zag with a general trend upward. It's two steps forward, one step back. It is going to be different for everyone. I was in recovery for three years before relapsing. Some won't relapse at all. Some will relapse several times before 'getting' it. We're all individuals so our journeys will be unique to each of us. The important thing is a forward momentum. It is certainly not a race. It's okay not to be okay.
So what did my wobble look like? Well, I think I had been getting a bit ahead of myself, putting pressure on myself, and I experienced some very bad anxiety (tears, the works). I started to freak out over the weight-gain, the latest increases to my meal plan, the going cold turkey with my OCD. It all felt too much. But, hey, I'm here to tell the tale. Nothing terrible happened, I just felt terrible. I am so grateful to be living where I do as I had people to talk to and it was that simple act - talking - that got me out of my panic. (I say simple but I still don't find expressing my fallibility, my vulnerability, easy). I just needed to put the brakes on for a bit and take it easy. I have needed more sleep these past few days so I have allowed myself to rest. I have been for gentle walks in the park (yesterday accompanied by my mum's dog!). Today I took myself on a coffee date and spent a good hour nursing my americano and working on my novel. I popped into the supermarket and bought myself some chocolate on the way home. It's the little things that make a difference. This being kind to myself is new to me. Today I am feeling much more me and it's just such a relief.